A Favorite Rewind

I found this little gem from 2009.  I wish I could still put words to paper like this!



I lost my way long before a safe path was revealed. Once my footing became unsteady, I knew I'd never again crave the easy way. I'd prefer a little struggle... to get a little dirty... to learn my lessons in the most difficult fashion. I liked it rough. I enjoyed tasting the blood from my scraped knees and digging the gravel from my torn flesh. The pain made fluffy beds with white sheets, wine and air conditioning more flavorful. Without the struggle of life, ease is hard to swallow.

I gave myself to everyone who needed me. They could have any little piece... my thriving mind, my aching body, my anxious guts. They could kiss my blistered knuckles or sing me to sleep. I would feed the hungry souls of any others lost. At times, I forgot to feed my own.

Emptiness led way to an enthralling compulsion to unearth some sort of new existence. Emptiness created fire damaging enough to devour any prevalent distress. My emptiness forced movement. Once my bare feet began to carry me again, I managed to reach each obstacle that originally held me still.

This time, instead of losing myself to hours and days and years of immobility and fear, I hoisted myself up and allowed my soft skin to hit the ground on the other side. Sore, but accomplished. Bruised, but suddenly aware of inner strength. Exhausted, but fueled by ability.

Each intricate step forward, insignificant as they seem, grew inside of me a new creature. Keen, able, ravishing, absorbed. Completely ready to pave a new alley so those following behind might have one extra option.  I hope to provide what you need. 

Three Word Wednesday

I've been inspired...
So I'll play along.

Three Word Wednesday.
This week's words are: Edgy, Iconic, Lithe


The salty water lapped against my ankles as my feet disappeared into the sinking sand.  The coarse grains tickled my toes.  The breeze fluttered through my tousled locks and flipped strands into my face as I struggled to keep balanced.  I let my head to fall back gently, closed my eyes, and exhaled as the sun kiss my cheeks.  Lithe, I finally felt.  Tranquil.

The week's events left me feeling particularly edgy - filled to the brim with anxieties and frustration.  I could feel the toxins settle into my ribs and back.  Oh, that pressure.  My spine.  I need relief.

Your idea to visit the coast was a welcomed thought.  I agreed and began gathering my things without hesitation or protest.  You'd drive.  We'd sing loudly to our favorite songs.  The warm, salty air would melt my trepidation and give us the opportunity to reconnect in that iconic, old cottage on the shore.

I forget how good this place feels.  The faint calls and whistles of wild parrots.  The sweet scent of a damp, salt drenched world.  I can taste it on your lips.

Beyond the confines of my concrete existence, the ocean takes with it my angst.  Relieved, I let it go.

A Hidden Gem

The first post of 2013!  Happy belated New Year, all!

I commenced 2013 with grand feelings of inspiration and renewal.  The calendar's turn over has a way of making me feel purified and cleansed - ready to awaken the creative, dedicated beast that lay just beneath my flesh.  There's something about the changing of years that makes me want to move!

Despite the excitement for a year revived, January 1st brought some mildly disappointing news: we didn't get pregnant in December.  Though this fertility process can take some time and we have been urged to keep patient, it is still hard news to take.  Never-the-less, we got right back in with our doctor and started my third month of Clomid hormone boosters.  We'll have good or bad news in about a week and a half.  Cross everything you can.  :)

To keep us moving forward and excited for the future, hubs and I did a second hike with our good friends.  This time we took to the Pu'u Pia mountain trail in Manoa.  Woodsy and damp, I drowned myself in bug spray.  The mosquitoes here in Hawaii are ruthless and they absolutely LOVE my haole blood.

Bleh - a centipede.

Look closely... a HUGE beehive hidden among the tree trunks.  

The trek started off wet and muddy with large notches of mossy roots and rocks.  The weather was perfect - no rain and cool enough to keep us comfortable.  We quickly put our new waterproof hiking shoes to good use and learned almost immediately that they actually work!  A mile up, a mile out, and our socks stayed dry the entire time.  Good buy!

We got to the top of the ridge and had a 360 degree view of the valley, the mountain range, and the city.  I was proud of us for taking the challenge.  Hubs and I are far from ideal health, and I even tweaked my knee on the way back down, but we took the bull by the horns and enoyed our time with great friends.  Looking forward to the next one!

So beautiful

We made it!

City of Honolulu

Over the Horizon

I am lucky to live in a place that houses some of the most beautifully scenic hikes and trails.  Hubby and I have been talking about becoming avid hikers for more than a year now, with absolutely no follow through. So last night we decided to take the plunge and did the beginners hike up to the Makapu'u Point light house to watch the full moon rise out of the ocean with two of our most favorite people.  What an experience!

The trail was a 1-mile paved, uphill pathway with several magnificent look outs.  My cardiovascular health and stamina is nearly non-existent, so I took the opportunity to catch my breath each time we stopped to snap a picture.  Though we're sitting below a layer of vog created by the volcano on the Big Island, the haze seemed to amplify the radiance of the sunset and moon rise.

Getting near the top, we encountered an entire patch of cactus much like what you'd see in the desert on the mainland but like nothing I'd yet seen here.  If it weren't for the backdrop of ocean, I could have easily transplanted myself to California.

As we reached the end of the hike and the top of the mountain, I realized why the walk was so special.  View of the still and stoic light house, the deep blue ocean channels and the sun setting behind the mountain.

Before the sun set, we headed back down the trail slightly to an old WWII bunker we passed on the way up. It was the perfect spot to await the moon and celebrate our hike with good friends and a bit of red wine.

Unfortunately, we lack a high powered camera, so the pictures of the moon rising out of the ocean through the vog are only as good as our basic cameras would allow, but it is better than nothing!  Just before we expected the moon to peek up from the horizon, a helicopter came flying over the spine of the mountain just behind us and landed atop the ridge.  It was pretty intense to have it come so close!

And then... the moon.

It. Was. Breathtaking.
I am looking forward to doing many more hikes with by husband and close friends in 2013 and to seeing more spectacular scenes!  This was certainly a highlight of the week.

A Hawaiian Christmas

   Merry Christmas, my lovelies!

   Ah, what a glorious Christmas it has been, though completely non-traditional from anything I'm used to.  I found that basking in the magic of Christmas and creating new traditions without the presence of little ones (yet) is actually quite difficult.  I made a decision this year, however, to enjoy the fruit of this holiday as if I were a child.    

Christmas time in Downtown Honolulu is really quite spectacular.  Many of the big buildings set up displays along the roadway and line their ancient trees in lights.  There's even a huge annual display where Santa rolls his red pants up to his knees so he can soak his feet in a pool.  Only in Hawaii.

   My holidays began with a small office party at my vendor's wife's Korean restaurant, Yakiniku Don-Day.  We grilled pork belly, kalbi, kimchi, and garlic on a table-top grill and sipped shots of a yogurt sake drink that I can't seem to remember the name of.  It was smooth and went down easily - unbelievably delish. The restaurant has patio seating located under an enormous tree that had been decorated with Christmas lights.  I'm a sucker for ambiance.

Earlier in the day, hubby and I picked up our new 55' Samsung LCD to replace the five-year-old 52' we lost to a tragic falling accident in October.  We weren't going to replace it at first, but after a couple of months without a tube, I got antsy and we decided to pull the trigger on a sale we found at Costco.  The only thing I love more than a good sale is guilty pleasure.  Mmmm... reality TV.


Sunday brought the first of two family gatherings to celebrate the holiday.  We enjoyed a house full of laughter, a Christmas meal complete with local Hawaiian food, and piano played by one of the oldest members of the family.  The cousins reminisced about growing up in this old house with their Tutu and playing on this big hill.  My father-in-law, who is 80 and has had his share of health issues the last few months, even spent the day in the living room visiting with family talking about old times.  I'm thankful everyone was able to come together for what will likely be the last Christmas this old house sees.  The salt air, tropical rains, termites and ground erosion has weakened the foundation and structure, so we'll be tearing it down this year to rebuild.

Christmas Eve came with a sense of homesickness.  My California family has had a Christmas Eve tradition since I was a little kid, that I've missed terribly since I moved to Honolulu last year.  I lost a portion of my day to feeling a bit lost and anxious.  I thought about all of the years we spent together on the Eve and how much I miss those times as a kid.  It really hasn't been the same since our family's patriarch, my grandfather, passed away in 2007, but it's a tradition we always upheld.  

In an effort to create new traditions with my husband and to fill a small, empty space in my heart, we decided to drive the city looking at Christmas lights.  We had hot soup for dinner and got some hot chocolate for our drive.  When we got home, I put myself right in to the kitchen to whip up a batch of cookies for Santa.  While I wait for what I hope will be good news in a few weeks, I figured it might be fun. When I woke up, only a few crumbs remained. 

Christmas came with more family and food, and with some absolutely stunning gifts!  My husband got underwear (you're welcome, babe), while I was spoiled rotten with a beautiful Tiffany's ring from my best friend, and a pair of diamond earrings from my mother-in-law.  I was shocked and so incredibly thankful.  I spent some time Skyping with my family and friends which made the distance a bit shorter.  



My father-in-law has twice now said that he'd like to buy me a gun, which would be another phenomenal gift.  I absolutely LOVE to shoot, and not to toot my own horn, but I'm a pretty good shot! Though I've done some shooting in the past, I've never owned my own gun.  I'm pretty in love with this 8-rounder Smith & Wesson 357 revolver.  What a beauty!  While this would be mostly for target practice and to learn the basics of the tool, it would also be for home protection.  So stay the fuck out of my living room unannounced in the middle of the night... aight?  

I am still adjusting to my new life on the island, and while it can leave me longing for those I'm close to, it's a lot of fun to create my own traditions with my husband and my in-laws and to think about all of the wonderful things this beautiful place has to offer during the holidays.  Less than a week away from the start of a new year which will be, I'm confident, the best year yet.  

Domesticated Goddess (Kinda)

I have never once in my thirty years of existence been known for my cooking, baking, home-keeping, or domestic ways.  My furniture should absolutely not be swept with a white-gloved finger and I suggest you remain standing unless you somehow appreciate the fashion of dog fur.  If you're itching for a good meal, I'd recommend you go ahead and fix yourself something to eat or hungry you may stay.

Once in awhile, however, I get a bug to bake.  I'm not terribly adventurous and I most certainly need a recipe to follow, but I'll occasionally give the baker's hat a good old fashion college try.

Tomorrow marks my last day in my vendor's office before Christmas, so I committed myself to bring the team some home baked goodies for a meeting that will last about 7 hours.  If nothing else, I'll offer these morsels as a thank-you for all of their hard work.

So I set out to find some fun Christmas tidbits online and came up with a cute variation on the sugar cookie.  Made from scratch, the cookie is topped with a red and white swirled Hershey kiss and red or green sprinkles.  Cute and easy.  Easy being key.  I also settled on whipping up some chocolate rice krispy treats since even the worst of the worst wives couldn't screw that up.

Making the batter for the cookies was relatively easy, though I lack a tool that would make mixing a breeze... an actual mixer.  I tried using an old hand mixer at first, and when that failed, I abandoned the gadget and used my hands... which worked quite well.  I felt old-fashioned!  I may have to ask Santa for a mixer, though I know he'll hassle me about having a terribly expensive appliance for such infrequent use.  Maybe I'll just have to bake more to justify the purchase.  We'll have to see.

Though still cooling, here are my cute little creations.  Hubby popped one in his mouth and nodded his head in approval.  His honesty has a tenancy to be a bit brutal at times, so if they weren't worth taking to the office, he'd let me know.  Hope they're a hit tomorrow... or appreciated, at least.  :)

Guppies Wanted!

More than a year has passed since I last laid words in this special place.  When they say “time flies,” they really mean it. 

In the 16 months since I posted, a lot has happened!  I’m on my third job, which sounds horrible, but the job market here in Hawaii is a little dry and good work is already taken.  Hubby lost his job, and is now a stay-at-home-husband helping to take care of his ailing father.  We started a pit bull advocacy group affectionately titled Pretty Pitties Advocacy. 

We met with an architect who is now drawing up the plans for our new house on the hill.  We celebrated our second wedding anniversary by spending a weekend away in a beautiful beach house.

We’ve had losses and gains.  Sweet Amirah Marie, our niece, was born in July and she is the sweetest little muffin anyone could ask for.  Then came August and heavy hearts as our good friends put their sweet Nicolus to rest. 

We are on a journey, my husband and I.  A grand adventure to bring our own little one into this world.  I had no idea how difficult this journey might be when I stopped taking my birth control just after our wedding two years ago, which is why I wanted to begin posting here again.  I want to document this process.  I want to have tangible words I can look back on to reflect and remember

For several months now, I’ve been working with a well known, highly recommended fertility doctor here in Hawaii.  I have low Progesterone levels which, as I understand it, makes it almost impossible for me to carry a pregnancy in the first trimester.  To help combat those low hormone levels, I’ve been taking monthly doses of an enhancer called Clomid.  This is supposed to boost my Progesterone levels. 

I am on my third month of this medication.

Today I head back in to the doctor for an ultrasound.  He’s going to check my eggies to make sure they’re big and healthy and ready to do work!  If not, I get a shot of HCG, which, uh, I have no idea what that’ll do.  I’m quite ill-informed. 

More information to come as I know more.  Hopefully this will be a lucky month and we'll have some good news in a few weeks.  For now, I'll practice my patience.